I've decided to start a little series on "being mama". These posts will cover some mama-type topics as I've experienced them - things like breastfeeding, cloth diapering, sleep training, etc...
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Let me start out by saying that I'm writing this post for documentation purposes and if someone out there in the interwebs happens to find something helpful or encouraging from it, all the better. What I'm NOT trying to do is make someone feel doubt, guilt, hurt, or worse - judgement. Lord knows there's enough of that to go around in MomLand - you don't need it here too! =)
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Before the last several years I never gave a whole lot of thought to even having a baby, let alone how I would feed one. I was formula fed - as were many kids from "that time" - and I turned out just fine. I didn't really know of anyone who breastfed until a few years ago. In fact, I even got defensive on one or two occasions when someone would dis formula. "Now just wait one minute - I was formula-fed and I turned out just fine, thank you very much!! My mom even -
gasp - loves me!" Still, I hadn't given much thought to what
I would do if/when the time came around.
Once Dac and I were married, when we'd talk about having kids, it would occasionally come up. He had been breastfed but didn't have super strong feelings about the subject either way, although I would say he was pro breastfeeding. I'm a researcher. A planner. A thinker. A worrier. A talk-it-out-er. As I began reading up on all things fertility, baby, and parenting - I studied the pros and cons to breastfeeding. You see, I'm stubborn. Sure I may play by the rules but I also have a bit of a rebellious streak. The fact that breastfeeding was the "only right thing to do if you love your child" made me want to run in the other direction just to
show them! The more I read about it and thought it through, the more I realized it's what I wanted to do for a number of reasons - some of them being: strong immune system for baby, chocked full of vitamins, lower risk for certain problems for me, prolonged start of period and thus the endo and the pain that, for me, comes with it, cheaper, quicker weight loss (
ha!), etc...
I'd read enough to know that not everyone is able to breastfeed and I felt comfortable going into it with an attitude of "this is my preference but I will not be devastated if it can't be done and I have to formula feed instead - there is nothing wrong with formula."
I still believe that and I have held tight to that as I've struggled through this wild, hard, exhausting stage - but like I said - breastfeeding has been my preferred method of feeding Reid.
So, on to our story!
It started the day he was born. I had an unplanned c-section and thus a longer wait time after delivery before we could give it a go. I was in a hospital that made breastfeeding a priority which was helpful but regardless, the baby can't just be laid on your chest right away to nurse. I got to briefly
hold him in the operating room and got some skin-to-skin time once we were back in recovery but it wasn't until then that we got to try. All the nurses at that hospital are trained in that area and mine was helpful but wasn't particularly as gung-ho about it as I needed her to be. She helped me get him some-what latched and said that the skin-to-skin contact was the most important thing. She was also the first to tell me I had flat nipples (
this was news to me) but that while that was making it more difficult for him to latch, it was possible to make it work. So I continued to try.
I feel like at this point its important to note that Reid was a strong little boy from,
literally, day one. He held his head up on his own that first night. He was wild. I didn't know this wasn't the norm (
not that there is really a norm when it comes to people) until over a week later when I went to the lactation clinic for the first time (
God bless that place and the women there) and she said "Wow! He is a real hot mess... a wild animal!" It's true. He still is. It was hard for me to even hold him still. He was fairly big, squirmy, sweaty, and wild. He was starving but couldn't quite figure out how to eat. He would ravage and flail about always ending up unsatisfied. He even drinks from a bottle like a little maniac - collapsing and inverting the nippe (
much like he did to me). He also had a super strong but incredibly messy suck. The power was there but the control wasn't.
He was wearing me out and tearing up my nipples. They were not only raw, they were black and blue, they had gum-bite marks, and hurt so bad I couldn't even bear to hold him close to me. It got that bad in just a day or two at the hospital... and this was with the help of nurses and lactation specialists! I tried nipple guards, creams (
learned I have a bit of an allergy to the lanolin cream I had been slathering on by the half-gallon which just added to the pain by giving me a burning rash) various positions, and
still he had a pitiful latch and I was crying in pain. Oh, and did I mention he was still hungry? Oh yes. We ended up having to give him formula by a cup while I tried desperately to pump some colostrum. (
The sweet night nurse made the mistake of telling me if I pumped a little bit, she could use a dropper to suck it up and drop it in his mouth... I kept calling her in every five minutes to see if it was enough!)
I think it was our last day in the hospital that was the worst. One of the lactation ladies came to see me one last time. Reid still wasn't latching correctly and my boobs looked like a battlefield. She told me it was time to give it a break. Not time to give up, of course, but time to "rest" the girls by pumping and cup feeding instead of nursing - just temporarily. She warned that as bad as they looked, I could end up with permanent damage. I felt like a failure. I knew it wouldn't be comfortable or easy peasy but everyone said if I kept trying, it would happen, and it would stop hurting. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that pumping was not failing. It was just a necessary step in the process for us and I had to quit comparing myself to others. The goal was to breastfeed Reid and by pumping, I was doing just that.
I didn't have the discomfort you read about. I had excruciating pain that never let up and only got worse. It felt like my boobs were slammed in a car door repeatedly, rubbed vigorously with sand paper, splashed with acid, then punched... twice. They gave me a prescription antibiotic-type cream and sent me on my way telling me to try again in a couple days once the girls had healed up a bit. I was an emotional mess. The pain, the disappointment, and...
hormones together were too much! It was rough. I cried a lot the next few weeks - almost always about breastfeeding. I dreaded it and quite frankly,
hated it. I also felt like a total failure and a big weenie. I pumped for a couple days then went back to attempting to nurse while supplementing with more breast milk or formula in a cup.
The lactation ladies also pointed out that Reid had a bit of a tongue tie. It wasn't severe but was bad enough that it could be causing some problems with the latch. That, and the fact it could cause problems down the road was enough for us to go ahead and have him seen by a specialist who clipped the frenulum (
not nearly as scary as it sounds, thank goodness). It helped a tad bit but not really much. We continued to try different holds, various nipple guards, inverted nipple shells, ice, heat, massage, compresses... the works! Still, I was in pain and Reid was only getting a mediocre amount of milk from nursing.
After a couple more weeks, gallons of tears, and epic levels of exhaustion... Dac and I made an extremely hard decision. Reid was continuing to lose weight. We were taking him to the lactation clinic in Wichita and while we did make strides in the nursing department... it wasn't enough and his weight was getting too low for comfort. He was also pretty jaundiced. He was only nursing a teensy bit every now and then... the other times were total fails. It was getting to the point where he wouldn't really even drink from the cup. I think he was so hungry that he was too distraught to eat. We decided to supplement with formula from a
bottle. We hadn't used a pacifier or bottle because we were trying to avoid nipple confusion. I had registered for and received some natural-style bottles that are supposed to be more like a breast, so the plan was to feed from a bottle while still trying to nurse. A couple days later we noticed a huge difference in Reid. He had clearly needed that nourishment and was a completely different baby. The poor thing had been starving =( Mom fail #1 (
of many).
A couple days later my milk was in and I hoped it would make a difference with nursing. It didn't. The problems were with his latch. He was still a wild animal, was still thrashing about, and just couldn't get on and stay on like he should. I feared I was hurting him but the lactation consultants kept saying to just smash his little head in tight (
in not quite such an abusive sounding manner...) and force him to open wide and keep his lips turned out. None of which he would do. Neither of us were getting any sleep because I was spending 30 minutes trying to get him latched, halfway feeding off and on for another few minutes before spending 30 to pump. Add in more time to wash pump parts and bottles... it was forever and a day before I could go back to sleep and that was just in time to do it all over again. I got to the point where it was hard to even function. He wasn't sleeping all that well either b/c he'd get so worked up trying to latch that it would be hard for him to settle down again. We decided at that time, after yet another visit to the lactation clinic, that I'd pump exclusively. Just a week later, after exclusively pumping and supplementing with formula as needed which by that point, wasn't often, he was finally up over his birth weight! It was then we knew we made the right decision for us - at that time. My hope was always that we'd eventually get nursing figured out but it just didn't happen. I have heard about women who have successfully got their baby to nurse after several months - so maybe there's still hope for us! =)
More on my pumping experience to come!
A few lessons from my experience are:
- Find people to encourage and help you - be it nurses, lactation consultants, family/friends, positive blogs, etc... I turned to all of the above. I needed to have my silly questions answered, I needed hands-on help, I needed to know it was hard, that I wasn't a weenie, and that it would probably get better - but that even if it didn't, it was ok to stop. It wasn't failing to stop. I also needed to know that exclusively pumping "counted" as breastfeeding and that I was giving my baby a gift in the best way I could.
- Don't judge someone for breastfeeding or for not breastfeeding. People don't choose to breastfeed because they think they're better than a formula-feeder. They choose it out of preference and in trying to do what they think is best for their baby. Also, not everyone pumps or formula feeds out of laziness or lack of care for their baby. For some, those options are truly best and are a way to be the best mom possible.
- Formula is amazing. It saves lives and puts thighs on babies when mama can't.
- Breastfeeding may be natural but it doesn't always come naturally.
- If there's a next time, it could be different. There's always hope!
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