Being Mama: I feel guilty, oh so guilty

This is the third post in my "being mama" series.
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Let me start out by saying (again) that I'm writing this post for documentation purposes and if someone out there in the interwebs happens to find something helpful or encouraging from it, all the better. What I'm NOT trying to do is make someone feel doubt, guilt, hurt, or worse - judgement. Lord knows there's enough of that to go around in MomLand - you don't need it here too! =)
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I had not originally planned to do a "Being Mama" post on this topic but now that I think of it, I should have. Duh! My life has sort of revolved around this very topic for months now.

It wasn't until an article started circulating around facebook that the idea came to me. The article is titled The "Teacher-Mom". I'll let you read it for yourself, but I feel the gist of the article is this: "Hey teacher-mom, don't feel guilty for being a teacher when you have a child at home." Great message right? I think so. Absolutely! I'm glad teachers are sharing it, because it's nice to have community and to support each other. Truth is, I think it's a great message for any mom who works out of the home. For that matter, the same principles (no guilt; do your best; love yourself) apply to stay-at-home moms too and moms who work from home. They also have ridiculously tough jobs and I know there's some guilt associated with those too.

I love and admire a great deal of teachers. Teachers have a big, important role in our lives and in our world. Many of them work super hard and have earned our respect and thanks... and some have fallen short of that... just like people in every other aspect of our lives. I think we all want to feel worth, regardless of what our various roles are. We want to feel respected and appreciated and we want others to truly understand what we're going through.

I sort of got side-tracked here but I guess what I'm trying to say is that all jobs are different and much of the time we think the grass is greener on the other side. With that, all jobs are much the same - in that - even if we love what we do and find it fulfilling, most of us would just assume be home spending time with loved ones, shopping, playing golf, etc... not worrying with the daily grind, deadlines, and other such stress. Those of us who work away from the home may feel guilty that we only get a couple hours with our kid each day. Those of us who stay home may feel guilty that we don't get out of our sweat pants or that we're not contributing a paycheck every couple of weeks. Those of us who are married with kids may long for that single life, even if just for a bit, where you're not picking up after anyone but yourself. Those of us who are single may be longing for a family of our own to share life with. Like I said... the grass is always greener. We work harder than our friends. We are less impressive than our neighbors.

Anyway, back on track (for now). I hate being away from my kid and would love nothing more than to stay home with him or at least stay home with him more than I do now. I do work hard, at work and at home. Still, I feel guilty. A lot. Guilty about allll kinds of things - including not being good enough at any one of my jobs. Not a single one of us should let guilt take over our lives. We should feel secure enough to know that our children love us regardless of whether we spend all day with them or not. We should fully believe that quality trumps quantity. (Someone told me this on the day I returned to work after maternity leave and I am forever grateful because I think of this every single day). We should accept that some days are going to be harder than others. There will be days we miss our kids so much we can barely focus at work and there will be days where even though our time together is slim, we can't wait for that 8 p.m. bedtime to roll around. It's ok. You know you love that baby and that baby knows it too. We should do our best but should not dwell on being super mom - whoever that is.

I guess my ultimate point here is, (sigh), we shouldn't let how we spend our 9-5 (or any other shift) define us and our worth. Whether we are home with our kids or whether we log exponentially more hours at work than we do with our little loves - we love them and are doing what we need to do. All of our jobs are tough in one way or another and we all deserve to give ourselves a break now and then. Give yourself the very same grace that you would give someone you care about. Give yourself the same encouragement you would give to that friend who is suffering from the guilt. Chances are, we all feel the guilt occasionally, or at least have in the past.

I say this now... even in the midst of a ton of guilt and disappointment... because I know it to be true. Still, it has been no picnic and I struggle every day to find balance and to accept myself in my many roles. I cried for weeks when I went back to work. Heck, I even cried for weeks before going back to work. I really let it affect my maternity leave and that special time I had with Reid. The fear and guilt were almost crippling. I spent my days worrying how I would get things done in both places AND spend time with Dac and Reid. I feared that Reid wouldn't understand that I was his mom since he spent most his time with someone else. I worried about finding a daycare up until just a couple days before I returned to work. I felt guilty that I was working a job I felt didn't make much difference in the world when I could have been home making a world of difference in Reid's life. I still feel that regularly. I am far from having it figured out. The older I get, the more I realize I probably won't ever really have it figured out. I suppose that's just how life is.

What I can do now, even when it's hard, is to accept my situation as it is. That doesn't mean I have to keep being in this situation just simply (ha) accept that I'm here. I have to accept that for now, I spend my days away from my boy. Sometimes my house will be a royal wreck and sometimes we will eat cereal for supper but maybe, on those nights, I'll be on the floor watching Reid try over and over again to stack a block on top another and we'll laugh together over a tickle fest. Sometimes I'll have to clean up, sometimes I'll have a meeting last until after he's in bed, and sometimes I'll have to work on stuff for work while he plays on the floor alone. Every day I have to choose to accept that and choose to find the joy in it. I have to choose to forgive myself for not living up to my lofty expectations and to love on someone else who's struggling with the same dang things.

We're all in this together right? I got your back if you got mine! =)

Midweek Randoms

So I believe we left off last Wednesday. 

I believe at that time I was finally over that stomach funk and was probably spending my evenings like usual - not even making a dent in housework and loving on this guy.

I'd also been watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix but I've since finished it and moved on to other things.

Thursday, I went to a KanSPRA board meeting. Thankfully, it was near Wichita and not Topeka or KC like a lot of the times. I've mentioned it before but KanSPRA stands for the Kansas School Public Relations Association.

My degree is in PR and my job title is PR Director and heck, sometimes, that's even what I do. =) Sometimes it doesn't seem like it as much but I guess that's just life, right? Anyway, for the past couple years, I served as the south central regional VP for the group and this year I was elected to the president elect position - which is basically like a VP for the entire state organization. It also means I'll be president next year. Ay yi yi. What have I done? Moreover, what were they thinking! ;) With that in mind this meeting was a tad more overwhelming than the others as I thought about all I'd have to do next year. I'll be attending the national conference, planning our state conference, creating a budget (ack!) and lots of other things. It'll be fine though - the people in the group are awesome and I fully intend to make this year's president hold my hand throughout all next year. =)

Friday, I cleaned my office. There's still a little more "stuff" on my desk than what I'd like and I'd like to have some stuff on the walls to make it a bit more homey but I've been here 6.5 years now and I'm beginning to think this is just how it is going to be. That, news releases about our current budget situation, and being in the middle of school enrollment AND implementing a new website has certainly kept me on my toes and my brain a'spinnin'.

That night kicked off what was to be a weekend of excellence. =) We enjoyed a relaxing couple hours of tv on the couch and life was good.

The next morning we got up early to meet Tim, Tamara, and their sweet girls for little Julia's 6-month session. =) After that we raided Target for a ton of stuff we were running low on, then went to the Anchor for lunch since we didn't have Reid with us.

I tried a beer that was good for about the first 2 sips then as it warmed up a bit, I didn't like it at all. I didn't even finish it.

The fish and chips did not disappoint though. I love me some sweet potato fries!

After lunch we went to a movie!!! An actual movie in a theatre. It was like a whole new world... only not new... just a forgotten world. We were there early and were both ready for a nap. As we sat there waiting, it was like we didn't even know what to do with our time. We considered that maybe we'd made a mistake and should have just gone home for some un-interrupted sleep. I'm glad we stayed though. The movie Grownups 2 wasn't fabulous by any means (I liked the first one though) but it was an experience we needed. We needed to be Dac and Alisha again. Just us. 

Of course we missed this little dude though. =) Sweet thing. PS - I'm obviously still doing my #dailystretchie series on Instagram. It's honestly not about the stretchies (pj's), it's about him in his natural habitat. Making the faces he always makes, moving his hands the way he always does, kicking his legs and propping his feet up on the crib bars... I don't want to forget that stuff. I do love stretchies though and I was super excited when the designer of them started following on instagram and commented on a photo!! How cool is that!? =)

After Reid was in bed, I went to Cori's to pick up our Bountiful Basket. While I was there I just so happened to witness Eden's first steps! =D So cool. I got to catch up with my friends too, so that was good. We haven't seen each other as much lately. Things keep coming up and getting in the way. I also got caught in a major thunderstorm and was soaked from head to toe... as was Peety. =( That Peety dog is something though. He is always right there when I need him. Such a good friend. He lets me vent without giving me solutions, he listens without judgement, he doesn't make me feel stupid, and he always gives his approval... and I give him a treat and a belly rub in return. =)

Sunday, it was still pouring that morning and we just decided to stay home. I did go to the store and between that trip and our bountiful basket, we had a fridge stocked full of healthy-ness!

I've been doing the Advocare challenge. I'm looking at it as less of a weight-loss tool and more of a re-set my tastebuds to stop craving so much sugary, processed foods. I have enjoyed the Spark energy drink mix. I've been adding to a water from Sonic each day. =)

Little man is teething... still... and is starting to go through another developmental leap so he's been a tad fussier off and on. But with that, he's also been so much fun. He is ornery and is full of so much happiness that it just makes my heart burst over and over again.

He's been making a new sound lately. It's kind of like a lip smacking that he sticks his tongue out with. He and Dac will take turns making that sound and they both get a big kick out of it. I tried to get a video of it but got this photo instead. I'll have to try again.

I've been offering him water more with his meal at night. He's still just getting the one solid food meal per day but seems to be doing fine with that so I'm not going to rush him too much. I do want him to practice picking up foods and drinking from a cup though so we add a little of that sometimes too.

His personality shines more and more each day and I love it. Having kids is kind of daunting. There's a lot of responsibility and there's a lot of sacrifice but I wouldn't change a thing now. He makes every day more fun and worth it.

This week has been busy and I haven't got to spend as much time with him as I'd like. I had a Board meeting Monday night, a dentist appt. Tuesday afternoon (new crown... boo) which put me home late, and a church meeting last night. It's been good for Dac and Reid to have more time together though. I also had a Sonic date with Kayla after the meeting which was totally needed.

Now, I'm simply counting down 'til the weekend!

Midweek Randoms

Things have been a bit nutty buddies around here the past several days. Like I mentioned, we got up at 3 a.m. to leave Denver and get home in time for Dac to hop in another car with his boss and drive to St. Louis for a conference.

This sweet little dude was one tired baby from all the Colorado excitement.

When we got home, he finally got to stretch out and play again. He was a good little traveler but I know he hated being stuck in his carseat. After all, a boy's gotta move.

Annnnnnd, sleeping again. I didn't mind the extra cuddles. =)

Sunday night was great. Monday was great too. Since I wasn't going to work, I got to sleep in a bit. We played and I was productive. Then we went to Wal-Mart so I could get tubs to finally box up my maternity clothes (that I shamefully still wear) and the most recent batch of clothes Reid has outgrown. This was his first time sitting in the cart. He was hardly a super star at it, but it worked. =)

Then, he took a stellar long nap before we met Kayla and miss Felicity at the pool for a swim date.

They are cute, no?

Please excuse the green, blurry picture of this doll.

He is such a mess.

More playing.

Monday night I started feeling sick. Like pretty dang sick. I thought maybe it was just the greasy delicious pizza I'd had but turns out I was in for a week of pure stomach flu hell.

I went to work Tuesday even though I did NOT feel like being there. I still thought it was just the greasy pizza. I made it through the day and even went grocery shopping after work (big waste of time and money). I got worse overnight. I didn't even feel like playing with Reid. I have him a quick bath and let him play on the floor with our laundry cart blocking him in the room. I could not wait for him to go to sleep.

I had already taken off Wednesday to take him to a pediatric cranio facial specialist (plastic surgeon) in Kansas City. We wanted to have a second opinion on his head shape and torticollis (tight neck). I felt so incredibly sick when I got up that morning. I could barely function. I finally got us around and my mom came with us. I had invited her to go for company's sake since Dac was out of town but it ended up being a necessity. I felt so nauseous that I didn't even make it all the way to KC before she had to take over driving. She stayed with Reid while I went to throw up in the bathroom, and she drove us home. Oh what a mess. 

Here's Reid waiting for his appt. A whole day in the car with no play time made for one heck of a cranky boy. 

He got a pretty good report from the surgeon. He said no helmet was necessary and no surgery was necessary. BUT, he and the pediatric orthopedic surgeon in the office both suggested we do Botox injections in Reid's neck. Verdict is still out on if we're doing that or not.

I got Reid in bed that night and spent the rest of the night being sick. It. Was. Awful. I skipped work the next day but kept Reid home since we were home alone and I didn't feel like I could even get him to daycare. It ended up working out OK because he threw in an extra nap for me and played pretty contently on the floor. I watched a LOT of TV. I finally finished The Shield and watched the HathoRNe series on Netflix.

That night Dac got back!!! HOOORAY! And I wasn't the only one who thought so. =)

They kind of love each other and I have no doubt they really missed each other.

Anyway, I went back to work Friday even though I still wasn't feeling 100%. Felt pretty yucky all weekend too and then got worse again Monday before finally getting better. Whew!

Reid's first time in 'big boy' PJ's.

Reid has been teething (he has 5 teeth now) and has needed some additional mom snuggles. I give in. =)

Love this little monkey.

Colorado: Day 4

Saturday, after much discussion about what to do and a big tasty breakfast, we decided to hit up the aquarium.

Reid actually seemed to enjoy it even more than I thought he would. He loved being held up to the glass to see the fish and giggled at them. 

Hello!

These two had a pretty dang good time for sure.

Denver Aquarium was cool. Overpriced, but cool none-the-less!

We stopped for some frozen yogurt before heading back to their house before the evening activities. I started packing up our stuff while Kelly and Reid played "blocks" again. =)

That night, we went to Colorado Plus - a brew pub that had only Colorado-brewed beer on tap. I just tried one - the Dry Dock Apricot Blonde Ale. It was actually good. Not even just for a beer. We also got to hear Kelly's Dad's band play so that was cool.

Here's Matt and Dac.

Chillin' like a couple villains.

The special that night just so happened to be fish and chips - one of my favs! So that's what I got. It was delicious. The chips were really good too although I do prefer my "chips" to be fries.

We cut out early so we could finish packing and go to bed at a decent time since we had to leave at 3 a.m. the next morning (Dac had to be back in time to get in the car again and drive to St. Louis for a work conference). Meanwhile, Reid played with Matt and Kelly.

Due to a lack of traffic, the drive home wasn't too bad. We had a horrible experience at McDonalds on the way out of town and stopped at a QT where the line was so long I had to just hold it, but otherwise, it was quick and smooth sailing.

We had a really great time on the trip - always do - and hanging out is something we look forward to each year!

Colorado: Day 3

Friday, we just kind of relaxed at the house. Well, Reid and I just kind of relaxed at the house. Kelly and the guys went to clean up after the fireworks show. I did clean up around the house while Reid napped. Then, he got a bath and played with "blocks". =)

We had Taco Bell for lunch. Hey, it sounded good! =)

That evening Kelly's teaching partner came over to babysit Reid. She was really sweet and I think they had fun together. We needed a babysitter because we were going to a concert at RED ROCKS! Holla!

It was a very cool venue and we're thrilled we got to be there! The part I wasn't thrilled about was climbing the dang mountain to get up there. Lord have mercy. My out-of-shapeness combined with the altitude about did me in. BUT - I made it. AND - it was worth it.

We went to see the Avett Brothers.  Portugal. The Man opened for them and put on a good show.

We had a great time!!

Avett Brothers was great too but I do think I've decided that venue was a bit to big for their style. Still, the music was fabulous.

Such a cool place. Kelly and I were people watching. =) Alllll kinds of crazyness going on. Our favorites were this high older hippie lady dancing like... well... a high older hippie lady. AND this couple that appeared to be on like a third or fourth date. The girl was way into the guy but he didn't seem to be into her at all. As the night went on he seemed to warm up though. haha.

Awesome. That is all.

Going back down the mountain was not nearly as bad as climbing it. We topped off the night with Sonic snacks and then I went to sleep. =)