A Year

A year ago today, I woke up at 7 a.m. I fixed myself a bowl of cereal and sat down to eat, check e-mail, read blogs, etc... before church.

I had a facebook message from Charles. I was excited because I had talked to him the day before about my t-shirt idea for the Pancreatic Cancer Race I had been training for. It was going to be pretty sweet and I had already talked to Ryan's mom and Erin to gather some more nicknames and "one liners" of his to include in the design. Charles was going to send out a message to the rest of the gang. I SO wanted to get that shirt made and sent to him so he could smile and know that I was rootin' for him.

As I read more of his message, I got confused. I sat on the couch with my cheerios in my lap, completely confused. This message was supposed to be asking Ryan's friends for input on the shirt design. Instead, it was informing Ryan's friends that he had passed away in the night. Passed away. Died. Gone. What!??

"April 11, 2010 at 1:35am Reply • Report
This is not the ideal why to be informed about this type of news but it seems easiest and I do not have everyone's phone numbers.

Most of you know Ryan was battling a relapse of his cancer, the last few months found that the treatments were not effecting the tumor much and the cancer had actually spread. He choose to discontinue treatment about a week ago in hopes of gaining some strength and enjoying what time he had with his family. That time turned out to be short as Ryan passed away in his sleep around midnight sat/sun.

I do not know any details on the burial at this time but will pass them along when i do.

Please forward this to anyone that might need to know. "

I re-read that message probably 30 times at least. Did it really say that? Did I misunderstand? Surely I read that wrong. No. That's exactly what it said. My breath was gone. I sat the computer on the floor. The bowl of uneaten cereal right next to it and I went back to the bedroom. I crawled up by Dac and hugged him... shaking. He asked what was going on. I bawled. He knew.

I skipped church and called my dad. He wasn't answering... his phone was off. Aunt Diana had tried calling him throughout the night and never got him. She called me and I couldn't bring myself to say anything but "I'm sorry". I still hadn't really caught my breath. I dumped my cheerios in the sink and we went for a walk. It was a pretty silent walk because I couldn't really express what I was thinking and feeling... aside from how absolutely heartbroken I was... I didn't really even understand how I felt. Honestly, I found it hard to even cry. I had cried for weeks... every day. Thought through so much. Prayed so much. I honestly never lost hope and faith that he would beat that cancer. Never. Only once or twice did I even think about it as a possibility. I was SO sure he'd make it.

I hopped in the bath when we got back and while I was in there Courtney called. I called her back when I got out and we were both in about the same place. Wanting to make sure each other were ok but not able to really talk yet. My "Boo" had kind of been my "go to" the past several weeks. I'd shoot her an e-mail telling her how crappy things were and what I was felling, and she'd do the same back. I felt foolish feeling the way I did... I mean, who was I to be hurting when he had a wife, kids, parents, sisters, etc... But Courtney got it.

That afternoon we had an engagement session with Josh and Laci. As completely drained and exhausted as I was, I think it was a blessing that we had that session. It got me out of the house and even though I still thought about it, it helped that I needed to suck it up for a while. They are such great people and I did manage to have a great time with them. The next day or so was filled with thoughts of mundane stuff... stuff that didn't matter... stuff like when and where would the funeral be? How much time should I take off work? How will I reschedule sessions? The stuff that really didn't matter. The stuff that kept my mind from wallowing in the thing that really did matter... he was gone. =(

The next few days were filled with more tears and more laughs than I'd ever experienced together before... stories worth sharing and remembering, but all that will just have to wait for another day. I'm done talking for today. I miss him, I'm mad, I'm sad... that's it.

Heaven received one heck of a gift on April 10, 2010.