The Days After

Ryan brought all kinds of people together. I didn't realize just how many different "kinds" until his service... I guess it was just more visible then. It was only practical that even in his death he was bringing people together. He even brought our already pretty close family closer together.

After a long and fast and stressful and sickening trip to Minnesota for his service with my dad, Aunt Cindy, Courtney, and Jerry Neil...we stopped by Ryan and Erin's house. How awful was it that the first and only time I visited there was after he was gone? I hugged Grandma B. and Aunt Diana who were already there then waited patiently and nervously to hug Erin. Sure my heart hurt for myself... and my heart hurt for his mom, Nannie, and the rest of the family. But my hurt hurt the worst for Erin I think. I guess because I could relate more to her. The truth is... I have no kids. No grandkids. Ryan is the closest thing to a brother I ever had. BUT - I have a husband. A best friend who has always been here and who I've planned to have around forever. My heart hurt for her like it was me that was going through it... even though I know I can't fully realize that pain... and certainly I'm glad for that. But I hurt. I hugged her and again, all I could say was "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." What else is there? I couldn't let go, just hugged her and cried.

Later, we travelers came together... for "Happy Hour" in the hotel restaurant. It was 1/2 price pizzas, appetizers and drinks from 9 to midnight. "Kids" at one table and "grownups" at the next. And we ate. We talked. We laughed. We clanked some glasses together and said "To Ryan". Why? Because I'm certain that's how he would want it. I'm also certain he would have got a kick out of his baby cousin (he's 6 years older than me) Alisha knocking back some drinks on his behalf. Ha!

I swear, after the grownups went to bed, out of nowhere there was all this sad music playing in the bar. At first it was kind of comical. We chuckled at how we were those people...all depressed in the bar. I mean for crying out loud. We even re-wrote some song lyrics to be more applicable. =) Then, all of a sudden, that was it... we lost it... before I even realized it was happening. And here I had been doing so good. Done. Just like that. Once we pulled ourselves together, we took the party outside to the tailgate. We listened to this. I heard it a few weeks ago on my Pandora station... the second it came on, I felt sick to my stomach... it took me a while to figure out what it was but then I remembered. We said it wasn't fair that he wasn't there with us. Why Ryan. We watched a guy get pulled over and the drug dog plow through his car. Then, we went to bed.

The next day we spent with Erin and everyone. As hard as it was, it was nice to spend time with everyone and see her and the girls. That night, we cousins got together for another "Happy Hour". Let me tell you... it was fun. I just wish Ryan could have been there for it. We don't all get to hang out together very often and that would have just made it perfect. Sure there were sad times and more crying and sure there may have been some sitting on the bathroom floor pouring our hearts out but it really was fun and it was good. Then we joined the millions of Ryan's friends who were gathered out in the hotel lobby. I'm thankful for that night and for all of these people. They made everything a little bit better and I love every one of them.


The service was rough. I mean really rough. BUT... again, really good. It was the real deal and people from all points in Ryan's life spoke the kindest and funniest words. Afterward, my Dad and I headed home... drove clear back that night and I guess life got back to normal, though it will never be quite the same.

P.S. - look what showed up at work for me yesterday!=) Thanks for the week-brightener Kayla!! We also went to dinner at none other than McDonalds (yeah, we're classy like that). It was the perfect pick-me-up during a hard week. I feel much better already.