This and That

This weekend was good for the soul. We were quite productive. Friday night we went out to eat BBQ with Dac's brother and sister. We went on a little driving tour and I purchased a new read. The book is super cute and I just had to have it. =) Then, we stopped for ice cream on the way home.

Saturday, we woke up and got right to work. We took our piles and piles of recyclables to the drop off, took tons of bags of clothes to the Salvation Army, and took some old pipes and stuff to the metal recycling place - even landed ourselves $30 for that. =) The house is like a whole new place now! Then we got ready and headed to Pitt for a fun engagement session! We had a really good time and I'm hoping we got some great pictures to show for it. We stopped at McDonald's in Independence on the way back to grab some chow at around 9 p.m. This McDonald's was seriously W.T. (That's white trash people). It. Was. Horrible. I don't think I've ever left a restaurant so mad in all my life.

Yesterday was church, pizza, and lots of house cleaning and laundry. Still lots of cleaning to do, but I did get a few heavier cleaning-type things done so I feel good about it. =) I even took a nap - and when I woke up I had my Scentsy order waiting for me on the porch. Hallelujah, I love me some Sugar Cookie Scentsy people. Mmm Mmm good! Speaking of Scentsy - a blogger I follow is hosting a giveaway for a plug-in warmer AND a bar.

In other news, Osama Bin Laden is apparently dead, as I'm sure you've probably all heard by now. I'm certainly glad that he personally is not a threat anymore. Unfortunately, his ideals live on in many others. I'll tell you what else is unfortunate... this justice does not bring back the lives that have been lost due to his heinous acts of terrorism or those lost in the hunt for him and for those like him. I find myself a bit torn. I'm definitely no softy when it comes to criminals and I do not oppose war or the death penalty. I do, however, find it hard to truly rejoice in a death. I think that kind of misses the big picture not to mention it doesn't really do any good. Anyway, there's my two cents. I'm still glad the hunt is over and I'm grateful for all the work and sacrifice that our armed forces have done to make it possible. Here's praying they all stay safe and that the war on terror can end soon.

Mello Yellow

Well - today has been productive... yesterday was too... but it seems like it just hasn't been quite productive enough. Know what I mean? I guess it never really will be but I'm certainly glad to have gotten done what I did.

There's a bit of extra yellow in the house today.

The pretty flowers in the back are from my little buddy Charli (and her mom and dad). They brought them over for Wii night Thursday (along with some delicious steaks) and they are the perfect addition to my kitchen counter!

The clear container is full of homemade dishwasher soap. I stole the recipe from a blog I follow... it's a cup of Borax, a cup of Arm and Hammer Super Washing Soda, and a container of Lemi-Shine. I've yet to try it yet but I've read that it works great, is much cheaper over time, and is a pretty safe and natural concoction. I was using those handy little packets before but those things really add up.

Front and center is a pan of lemon bars. I'm taking those and some rolls to Dac's family's Easter dinner tomorrow... yeah, I'm going all out this year. =)

In other news, we've been busy with photography again, so be expecting lots of posts on the photo blog soon!

The Thief

It's Good Friday. I honestly never gave a whole lot of thought to Good Friday as a kid... I mean, all the focus was on Easter, ya know? It wasn't until high school? Late middle school maybe... that our awesome youth group leaders had us perform a Good Friday service. It was very serious, very moving, and this song was part of it.

"Thief" - Third Day

It's now one of my favorite songs and Good Friday is more important than ever. Sometimes bad things have to happen in order for the good to be seen... for God's glory to be fully recognized.

Luke 23:47 - "Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” When he had said this, he breathed his last."

Jesus' final thoughts were those of trust. I should really do that more.

John 3:16 - "For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life."

Educated

Today is Ryan's birthday. Even more than all the hurt the past few weeks, I've thought a lot about the good things. Here are just a few of the things I've thought of recently - just some random things I experienced with him and/or learned from him.

Ryan:

chased me around the kitchen island at my Grandma B's house.


gave me many a vocab lesson. =) I'm sure some of the words weren't as family friendly, so we'll just stick with that example.

introduced me to the world of MTV, Pantera, and later, Beavis and Butthead. We keep it classy like that.

taught me how to properly sport a doo-rag and how to run for my life to avoid getting whipped by one. (UGH)

initiated my love-hate relationship with scary shows after watching my first, "The Nightmare on Elm Street." Thanks Ryan.

presented Orange Julius'. What What!

made sure I knew the best baseball team always has been and always will be the Cubs! =) Good thing!

relayed the message, in a not-so-friendly manner, that a Ryne Sandberg rookie card is way better than any ol' Phillie Phanatic holographic card or, Heaven forbid, a Beauty and the Beast collector card.

re-affirmed my knowledge that No. Matter. What... you don't drink freaking milk after a freaking game of cousin baseball. For crying out freaking loud.

convinced me that he would literally pulverize any guy who so much as looked at my picture wrong, let alone actually treated me wrong. Mr. Tough Guy.

hogged the TV with more Zelda than I care to remember.

demonstrated the unofficial dance moves to DMX' "Party Up". "One, two meet me outside, meet me outside. All my rough riiiiiiiiiiiiiidas, meet me outside, meet me outside..."

Cheered me on at one of my first musicals while on one of his first dates with Erin.

pretended to be excited when he was home from college and I made him listen to endless stories and look at my scrapbook for an hour.

sat me down and explained that maybe Dac just didn't care about going to prom if it had to be with someone else (when I was upset he was skipping his first prom).

laughed and rolled his eyes with me at the grownups when they'd act a fool.

never stopped giving me crap. All the time we were dishing it back and forth.

earned my respect by always knowing where the line was and never crossing it.

asked me to sing in his wedding.

fuh-reaked out before the rehearsal when he asked me how the song sounded and I told him "not great... hopefully it won't suck too bad." Then said "What?!?! Erin's going to be pissed! I told her you sang good."

cried during the song and told me I was a brat for worrying him.

told me time and time again how much he loved our pictures and how he couldn't wait for us to shoot his family.

never let me get by with anything.

made a great stand-in big brother. He pestered me to no end, stuck up for me, and gave some pretty sound advice for being such a clown.

Man oh man. Love those good times. =) Just wish there could be more of them.

Happy Birthday Rufus! Hope there's cold ones in Heaven and that you're enjoying the ultimate celebration. =)

Also, on this day a year ago... my grandpa Carl was diagnosed with cancer too. Like I said... April's extra hard this year. Good thing it's almost over!

The Days After

Ryan brought all kinds of people together. I didn't realize just how many different "kinds" until his service... I guess it was just more visible then. It was only practical that even in his death he was bringing people together. He even brought our already pretty close family closer together.

After a long and fast and stressful and sickening trip to Minnesota for his service with my dad, Aunt Cindy, Courtney, and Jerry Neil...we stopped by Ryan and Erin's house. How awful was it that the first and only time I visited there was after he was gone? I hugged Grandma B. and Aunt Diana who were already there then waited patiently and nervously to hug Erin. Sure my heart hurt for myself... and my heart hurt for his mom, Nannie, and the rest of the family. But my hurt hurt the worst for Erin I think. I guess because I could relate more to her. The truth is... I have no kids. No grandkids. Ryan is the closest thing to a brother I ever had. BUT - I have a husband. A best friend who has always been here and who I've planned to have around forever. My heart hurt for her like it was me that was going through it... even though I know I can't fully realize that pain... and certainly I'm glad for that. But I hurt. I hugged her and again, all I could say was "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." What else is there? I couldn't let go, just hugged her and cried.

Later, we travelers came together... for "Happy Hour" in the hotel restaurant. It was 1/2 price pizzas, appetizers and drinks from 9 to midnight. "Kids" at one table and "grownups" at the next. And we ate. We talked. We laughed. We clanked some glasses together and said "To Ryan". Why? Because I'm certain that's how he would want it. I'm also certain he would have got a kick out of his baby cousin (he's 6 years older than me) Alisha knocking back some drinks on his behalf. Ha!

I swear, after the grownups went to bed, out of nowhere there was all this sad music playing in the bar. At first it was kind of comical. We chuckled at how we were those people...all depressed in the bar. I mean for crying out loud. We even re-wrote some song lyrics to be more applicable. =) Then, all of a sudden, that was it... we lost it... before I even realized it was happening. And here I had been doing so good. Done. Just like that. Once we pulled ourselves together, we took the party outside to the tailgate. We listened to this. I heard it a few weeks ago on my Pandora station... the second it came on, I felt sick to my stomach... it took me a while to figure out what it was but then I remembered. We said it wasn't fair that he wasn't there with us. Why Ryan. We watched a guy get pulled over and the drug dog plow through his car. Then, we went to bed.

The next day we spent with Erin and everyone. As hard as it was, it was nice to spend time with everyone and see her and the girls. That night, we cousins got together for another "Happy Hour". Let me tell you... it was fun. I just wish Ryan could have been there for it. We don't all get to hang out together very often and that would have just made it perfect. Sure there were sad times and more crying and sure there may have been some sitting on the bathroom floor pouring our hearts out but it really was fun and it was good. Then we joined the millions of Ryan's friends who were gathered out in the hotel lobby. I'm thankful for that night and for all of these people. They made everything a little bit better and I love every one of them.


The service was rough. I mean really rough. BUT... again, really good. It was the real deal and people from all points in Ryan's life spoke the kindest and funniest words. Afterward, my Dad and I headed home... drove clear back that night and I guess life got back to normal, though it will never be quite the same.

P.S. - look what showed up at work for me yesterday!=) Thanks for the week-brightener Kayla!! We also went to dinner at none other than McDonalds (yeah, we're classy like that). It was the perfect pick-me-up during a hard week. I feel much better already.

A Year

A year ago today, I woke up at 7 a.m. I fixed myself a bowl of cereal and sat down to eat, check e-mail, read blogs, etc... before church.

I had a facebook message from Charles. I was excited because I had talked to him the day before about my t-shirt idea for the Pancreatic Cancer Race I had been training for. It was going to be pretty sweet and I had already talked to Ryan's mom and Erin to gather some more nicknames and "one liners" of his to include in the design. Charles was going to send out a message to the rest of the gang. I SO wanted to get that shirt made and sent to him so he could smile and know that I was rootin' for him.

As I read more of his message, I got confused. I sat on the couch with my cheerios in my lap, completely confused. This message was supposed to be asking Ryan's friends for input on the shirt design. Instead, it was informing Ryan's friends that he had passed away in the night. Passed away. Died. Gone. What!??

"April 11, 2010 at 1:35am Reply • Report
This is not the ideal why to be informed about this type of news but it seems easiest and I do not have everyone's phone numbers.

Most of you know Ryan was battling a relapse of his cancer, the last few months found that the treatments were not effecting the tumor much and the cancer had actually spread. He choose to discontinue treatment about a week ago in hopes of gaining some strength and enjoying what time he had with his family. That time turned out to be short as Ryan passed away in his sleep around midnight sat/sun.

I do not know any details on the burial at this time but will pass them along when i do.

Please forward this to anyone that might need to know. "

I re-read that message probably 30 times at least. Did it really say that? Did I misunderstand? Surely I read that wrong. No. That's exactly what it said. My breath was gone. I sat the computer on the floor. The bowl of uneaten cereal right next to it and I went back to the bedroom. I crawled up by Dac and hugged him... shaking. He asked what was going on. I bawled. He knew.

I skipped church and called my dad. He wasn't answering... his phone was off. Aunt Diana had tried calling him throughout the night and never got him. She called me and I couldn't bring myself to say anything but "I'm sorry". I still hadn't really caught my breath. I dumped my cheerios in the sink and we went for a walk. It was a pretty silent walk because I couldn't really express what I was thinking and feeling... aside from how absolutely heartbroken I was... I didn't really even understand how I felt. Honestly, I found it hard to even cry. I had cried for weeks... every day. Thought through so much. Prayed so much. I honestly never lost hope and faith that he would beat that cancer. Never. Only once or twice did I even think about it as a possibility. I was SO sure he'd make it.

I hopped in the bath when we got back and while I was in there Courtney called. I called her back when I got out and we were both in about the same place. Wanting to make sure each other were ok but not able to really talk yet. My "Boo" had kind of been my "go to" the past several weeks. I'd shoot her an e-mail telling her how crappy things were and what I was felling, and she'd do the same back. I felt foolish feeling the way I did... I mean, who was I to be hurting when he had a wife, kids, parents, sisters, etc... But Courtney got it.

That afternoon we had an engagement session with Josh and Laci. As completely drained and exhausted as I was, I think it was a blessing that we had that session. It got me out of the house and even though I still thought about it, it helped that I needed to suck it up for a while. They are such great people and I did manage to have a great time with them. The next day or so was filled with thoughts of mundane stuff... stuff that didn't matter... stuff like when and where would the funeral be? How much time should I take off work? How will I reschedule sessions? The stuff that really didn't matter. The stuff that kept my mind from wallowing in the thing that really did matter... he was gone. =(

The next few days were filled with more tears and more laughs than I'd ever experienced together before... stories worth sharing and remembering, but all that will just have to wait for another day. I'm done talking for today. I miss him, I'm mad, I'm sad... that's it.

Heaven received one heck of a gift on April 10, 2010.

More Food

This weekend is oh so hard. Aaaaand, I think I've decided why I've been cooking and cleaning so much... it keeps my mind off things. It doesn't completely help, but it's definitely better than when I just sit down and don't do anything. Being engulfed in a TV show helps too. I realize these aren't exactly proactive, healthy ways of coping... but hey, I'm runnin' with it.

So, since pretty much all I've done the past few days besides work is cook (and eat), that's what I'm going to talk about today. =)


I boiled a bunch of extra macaroni the other night and had lots of chicken left over, so last night I decided to make a baked pasta with some oven-fried chicken (no coconut this time) and lemon cream sauce. I didn't really follow a recipe for any of it... just went with it. It wasn't too shabby. I did all this while it was hailing and storming out. I loooooove storms. =)

I also made the honey mustard vinegarette dressing for the salad. It was super easy to whip up and tasted pretty good too.

Tonight we went out to eat with my mom and dad... so I decided to make some cookies for afterwards. They are these low fat banana nut oatmeal cookies. I do love a good cookie. =)

We had a great time with them... it was good to get out for a bit and visit with them! I also got to see my ol' dog Heidi. =)