4 Years

It's been 4 years since my cousin Ryan passed away. 4 years since I got that message and my heart sank to my toes. 4 years since Pancreatic Cancer snatched him too soon. 4 years... already!?

It almost feels like it was last year. But then, so much has happened and so much has changed, and, in that sense, if feels like darn near a lifetime ago.

Today, I saw a friend that's struggling with the same nasty disease. She looks great. She looks happy. She's living! She's also thin. I remember crying over pictures of Ryan being thin... and ultimately incredibly thin. I had a lump in my throat as I visited with her. Glad she's living her life and glad that Ryan is living in Heaven... completely healed... and maybe downing beer or orange julius. =) Hey, you never know.

Sometimes I remember those pictures of a frail, barely recognizable Ryan, but mostly (thankfully) I remember him looking more like this:

I'm thankful we have this photo of all the cousins together a little less than a year before he died.

There has been so many things these last 4 years I've wanted to tell him and of course it's even harder knowing that Reid doesn't know him. There's always stories though, and Lord have mercy, we have some good ones.

It's been 4 years, and I don't cry like I did then. I still think of him. I still sing DMX Party Up complete with ridiculous white boy dance moves and laugh as I picture him doing the same. I still see his shit-eating grin like he's standing right in front of me. It's been 4 years but don't you worry, there's no forgetting.