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Let me start out by saying (again) that I'm writing this post for documentation purposes and if someone out there in the interwebs happens to find something helpful or encouraging from it, all the better. What I'm NOT trying to do is make someone feel doubt, guilt, hurt, or worse - judgement. Lord knows there's enough of that to go around in MomLand - you don't need it here too! =)
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I had not originally planned to do a "Being Mama" post on this topic but now that I think of it, I should have. Duh! My life has sort of revolved around this very topic for months now.
It wasn't until an article started circulating around facebook that the idea came to me. The article is titled The "Teacher-Mom". I'll let you read it for yourself, but I feel the gist of the article is this: "Hey teacher-mom, don't feel guilty for being a teacher when you have a child at home." Great message right? I think so. Absolutely! I'm glad teachers are sharing it, because it's nice to have community and to support each other. Truth is, I think it's a great message for any mom who works out of the home. For that matter, the same principles (no guilt; do your best; love yourself) apply to stay-at-home moms too and moms who work from home. They also have ridiculously tough jobs and I know there's some guilt associated with those too.
I love and admire a great deal of teachers. Teachers have a big, important role in our lives and in our world. Many of them work super hard and have earned our respect and thanks... and some have fallen short of that... just like people in every other aspect of our lives. I think we all want to feel worth, regardless of what our various roles are. We want to feel respected and appreciated and we want others to truly understand what we're going through.
I sort of got side-tracked here but I guess what I'm trying to say is that all jobs are different and much of the time we think the grass is greener on the other side. With that, all jobs are much the same - in that - even if we love what we do and find it fulfilling, most of us would just assume be home spending time with loved ones, shopping, playing golf, etc... not worrying with the daily grind, deadlines, and other such stress. Those of us who work away from the home may feel guilty that we only get a couple hours with our kid each day. Those of us who stay home may feel guilty that we don't get out of our sweat pants or that we're not contributing a paycheck every couple of weeks. Those of us who are married with kids may long for that single life, even if just for a bit, where you're not picking up after anyone but yourself. Those of us who are single may be longing for a family of our own to share life with. Like I said... the grass is always greener. We work harder than our friends. We are less impressive than our neighbors.
Anyway, back on track (for now). I hate being away from my kid and would love nothing more than to stay home with him or at least stay home with him more than I do now. I do work hard, at work and at home. Still, I feel guilty. A lot. Guilty about allll kinds of things - including not being good enough at any one of my jobs. Not a single one of us should let guilt take over our lives. We should feel secure enough to know that our children love us regardless of whether we spend all day with them or not. We should fully believe that quality trumps quantity. (Someone told me this on the day I returned to work after maternity leave and I am forever grateful because I think of this every single day). We should accept that some days are going to be harder than others. There will be days we miss our kids so much we can barely focus at work and there will be days where even though our time together is slim, we can't wait for that 8 p.m. bedtime to roll around. It's ok. You know you love that baby and that baby knows it too. We should do our best but should not dwell on being super mom - whoever that is.
I guess my ultimate point here is, (sigh), we shouldn't let how we spend our 9-5 (or any other shift) define us and our worth. Whether we are home with our kids or whether we log exponentially more hours at work than we do with our little loves - we love them and are doing what we need to do. All of our jobs are tough in one way or another and we all deserve to give ourselves a break now and then. Give yourself the very same grace that you would give someone you care about. Give yourself the same encouragement you would give to that friend who is suffering from the guilt. Chances are, we all feel the guilt occasionally, or at least have in the past.
I say this now... even in the midst of a ton of guilt and disappointment... because I know it to be true. Still, it has been no picnic and I struggle every day to find balance and to accept myself in my many roles. I cried for weeks when I went back to work. Heck, I even cried for weeks before going back to work. I really let it affect my maternity leave and that special time I had with Reid. The fear and guilt were almost crippling. I spent my days worrying how I would get things done in both places AND spend time with Dac and Reid. I feared that Reid wouldn't understand that I was his mom since he spent most his time with someone else. I worried about finding a daycare up until just a couple days before I returned to work. I felt guilty that I was working a job I felt didn't make much difference in the world when I could have been home making a world of difference in Reid's life. I still feel that regularly. I am far from having it figured out. The older I get, the more I realize I probably won't ever really have it figured out. I suppose that's just how life is.
What I can do now, even when it's hard, is to accept my situation as it is. That doesn't mean I have to keep being in this situation just simply (ha) accept that I'm here. I have to accept that for now, I spend my days away from my boy. Sometimes my house will be a royal wreck and sometimes we will eat cereal for supper but maybe, on those nights, I'll be on the floor watching Reid try over and over again to stack a block on top another and we'll laugh together over a tickle fest. Sometimes I'll have to clean up, sometimes I'll have a meeting last until after he's in bed, and sometimes I'll have to work on stuff for work while he plays on the floor alone. Every day I have to choose to accept that and choose to find the joy in it. I have to choose to forgive myself for not living up to my lofty expectations and to love on someone else who's struggling with the same dang things.
We're all in this together right? I got your back if you got mine! =)
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